My sanity comes from chicken and diet coke

This place

Has kept my sanity this week. A lot of our normal activites have gotten canceled because of the cold/snow. Normally I would be fine to stay inside but with only a week to go until delivery Im feeling anxious and needing some distractions. Nathan has been trying to go to each appointment this week which means he goes in early(by 6) and hasn't been home to after 5. LONG DAYS people with a toddler and a nervous pregnant mom. So Chick Fil A has come to the rescue. Every day in January our local store is giving away a FREE breakfast item! Abigail and I have hit them up twice this week and its been so enjoyable. We get free breakfast and she gets to run her energy out at the play place. Thanks Chick Fil A Peoria for keeping me sane this week!

A Father who keeps his promises

I read this post from fellow FOCUS missionary this morning and cried my eyes out. Not only was her story touching, but it touched my own heart and what God has been speaking to me in this pregnancy-and more importantly how I'm learning to actually believe His promises.

We are in the home stretch-nine more days to go. And while this pregnancy has been hard mentally, it has been no where near as hard as Abigail's was. I compare Abigail's pregnancy to running wild through the woods with my arm chopped off. This pregnancy feels more like a huge lead up to a championship game. I've practiced hard, been diligent, and for the most part have been able to handle the emotions that have come.

After we found out in September that it was another boy things got tougher. I didn't understand why God would put us through that right now? I mean sure I wanted a boy- eventually- but I thought giving me another girl would be a baby step towards dealing with all the baggage a boy would bring. But no, instead we were thrown head first into gearing up for another son. As I sat in prayer I heard God say,

"Together we will bring forth new life in the dead of winter,  and that's my promise for this pregnancy."

My first reaction was "God, you know I hate using "dead" as an adjective. Then without trying to remember, all of a sudden, a flood of emotions and memories came to the surface of what it felt like to lose my first baby boy in the heart of Spring. I was so bitter, so angry at the Spring time. The new life everywhere, the sun, the constant "alleluias" at mass throughout the entire long Easter season.  And as these painful memories came back my heart asked God,

"Lord,You remember that?"

"Of course I remember, I remember it all." was His response.

It was a wound that I myself had forgotten. Something I'd tucked away and moved on from. But here it was now and so I began sitting with it more and more in prayer. It's remained the constant promise from my Father this pregnancy:

"Together we will bring forth new life in the dead of winter."

I've prayed a lot about why it even matters if I believe in His promises. A few weeks ago during Advent I came to the conclusion that I was going to just try, just go all out and actually believe His promises and see if it changed anything. And it has. At night when I wake up panicked because I've fallen asleep for too long and the baby might be dead, I calmly repeat:

"Together we will bring forth new life in the dead of winter."

And it calms me and pulls me out of my anxiety and soon enough the baby moves and I thank God for another day, another hour with this little one. So yes, it has changed how I live presently but its also healed a deep wound. I can't explain enough or put into words what its like as a woman to bring forth death when you were made to bring forth life. That's the one thing that sets us apart from men, right? Our ability to grow and birth life. But my first experience was of bringing forth death, unnatural death in the beginning of Springtime. It's changed me forever, but through the Father's love and promises I'm seeing how it has not crippled me. I think I'll always spend the rest of my life pondering the effect Caleb's stillbirth had on my femininity and overall character as a woman. But we have a God that doesn't forget and like always He wants to redeem that feeling of failure I felt as I pushed Caleb's still body from me.

So today and for the next nine days I'm going to continue to live in His promise. I'm going to write this post and publish it and make it public even though it scares me because "what if I'm wrong!" I trust the Father and I know He does keep His promises.

"Remember your word to your servant by which you give me hope. This is my comfort in affliction, your promise that gives me life."Psalm 119:49-50

These two songs are what are getting me through. They are from the Church Bethel which is a non-denominational church in California. Nathan and I have been listening to their sermons weekly for about the last two years. Their preaching is great and their music is even better. Enjoy!

Peace of Mind

Feeling the peace of God after leaving my doctor appointment yesterday. Have I mentioned before how much I LOVE the medical profession? I do not trust my body or my intuition so I rely on my medical team to lead me, especially during pregnancy. Our baby is breech and it seems like he's not going to turn any time soon. I have not tried anything to get him to flip (please don't leave a comment about spinning babies!) because I don't want to mess with him or my body. I've walked with women who have tried flipping baby and then stillbirth has occurred afterward. To me trying to flip equals death. If baby wants to stay breech then baby can stay breech!

After spending the week discussing options, praying about it, and talking about it over and over again (my husband is a saint!) we have set a date for a scheduled c-section-January 16th! People that is less than two weeks from today! Feeling so much relief and peace about this decision. I know c-section is major surgery and there will be a harder recovery, but with all the stress and anxiety of late pregnancy and labor, having this part nailed down feels like winning the lottery. 

If baby turns on his own before then, then we will go ahead with induction and hope for a vaginal delivery. I trust my doctors and their opinions and recommendations. Now all that's left is to get the approval of the high risk Dr. this coming Wednesday and to wait. I know it might seems strange to some people to be excited about this new decision but like Nate and I talked-nothing about our situation is ideal. I wish I could trust my body to do what it's supposed to. I wish I didn't have a stillbirth in my history. Every decision seems like the wrong decision and we are just trying to make the best wrong decision. 

I was fretting over to do the c-section at 37 or 38 weeks and finally came to the conclusion to go in the middle at 37 weeks 5 days! I'll get steroid shots ahead of time to help Judah's lungs. This option seems like the one with the lowest risks and so we are going for it. 

13 days baby boy! Until then here are some nursery pictures. We decided to use all of Caleb's old crib bedding. We picked a new theme-lions (the Lion of Judah!) and switched the furniture around. I love how it all turned out. I especially love how little fear there was this time around getting the nursery together. Both Nate and I commented that when we put the nursery together for Abigail we were still so scared. This time we had a lot more hope and excitement. We are also using all of Caleb's old clothes which I thought would be the same seasons but actually are a little off (like none of the newborn clothes are long sleeve, all short sleeve since he was due end of April!) So we shopped for a few new things which felt nice. Oh and did I mention the kid has 52 pairs of socks? How do you get that many socks? But they are some of the cutest boy baby socks I've ever seen! So excited to dress this kid. 

Thanks for the prayers, 13 more days!!

Picked up this hanging night light that has lions on it! Going to be perfect for late night nursing sessions.

Christmas Cards

Merry Christmas from our family to yours! This is the first year we have sent out cards since losing Caleb. Christmas season is always hard and up until this point I haven't felt in the mood to put a happy picture of our family out there. But there has been a lot of healing and for whatever reason, this year I was ready. I think part of my desire was to make Judah a part of our family, just in case things don't work out. Like I wanted proof that he is actually here, right now. Grief is weird, what can  I say? 

Anyways, I love the pictures my friend took and overall the card turned out better than I hoped. When I showed Nathan my list of 73 people to send it to he laughed and said "cut it down to 25!"

25!!! But I agreed that spending $100 (or more!) to send Christmas cards to everyone on my list was not the best use of our money, especially after the financial stress of the last few months. So he designed the card himself and we printed it as a regular 5x7 to save money. Add a stamp and envelopes and you see why 25 was our limit. Sometimes, no most of the time, I hate budgets! Hoping that next year we can plan better and I can send out more.

Merry Christmas!

I also had no idea if I wanted Caleb's name on the card or not. We use the teddy bear in our family pictures to represent Caleb, even if only we know about it. In the end I let Nathan decide about adding the name and I'm glad he did. He also was hesitant to put "Baby Judah" just in case he comes out a girl! I told him we've had so many ultrasounds by now that this baby is for sure a boy! 

May the Odds be Ever in Your Favor

Its no secret that one of my favorite books is The Hunger Games. I read them the summer after Abigail was born and I found so much correlation between the journey of pregnancy after a loss and going into the arena. The phrase that the Capital repeats over and over again to the tributes,

strikes me to my core. Because that's what pregnancy after a loss is-somewhat of a joke when people spout off statistics. You have already been on the losing end once and just like the tributes who have already had their names drawn, you can't help but be cynical. I especially like the scene from the second movie when Katniss and Peta are traveling for the victory tour. At one point Katniss cries out,

"I just want to go home and get off this train."

Her mentor's response is a sobering one when he says,

"Wake up! There is no getting off this train! They own you now and for the rest of your life."

 I feel that. I really thought birthing a live baby would trump the dead one, but in the end the experience of stillbirth seems like something that owns me and one long train ride.

The end of pregnancy is hard. I just made our final appointments and realized we have 14 of them in the next 4 weeks. Each appointment is filled with doubt and fear that the other shoe might drop. The whole thing makes me want to scream just like the people of the districts

Because that's what pregnancy will always feel like to us. And even if we do bring home a live baby there's a part of my heart that will still break because I know that same day others will leave the hospital empty handed. So this time we might get victory but at what cost? Just like winning the Hunger Games, bringing home a live baby seems to emphasize  how many babies don't make it out alive. 

But our story isn't exactly like the Hunger Games because we have the hope of Christ. Death is a part of this world and in the end none of us are getting out alive. Death is around every corner and threatens us like a thief in the night. Just ask the mothers of the Holy Innocent. Christ is born and just days later innocent baby boys are slaughtered in their homes because of the Christ child. Death scandalizes us, terrifies us, and leaves us in despair. That is why Christ came to overcome death.

In the end, the odds of getting out of this world alive are not in our favor-they never were to begin with. But eternal life is our hope. Christ came, He came. And as we read in Isaiah 61 He came on a mission to the afflicted,

"The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me,

Because the Lord has anointed me

To bring good news to the afflicted;

He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,

To proclaim liberty to captives

And freedom to prisoners;

To proclaim the favorable year of the Lord

And the day of vengeance of our God;

To comfort all who mourn,

To grant those who mourn in Zion,

Giving them a garland instead of ashes,

The oil of gladness instead of mourning,

The mantle of praise instead of a spirit of fainting.

So they will be called oaks of righteousness,

The planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified."

He came to free us eternally from death. He's like the ultimate mentor in the Hunger Games, always watching and helping. In the end, the battle has already been won. That was my hope after Caleb died and that continues to be my hope this time around. That even if the odds our not in our favor this time, that ultimately they will be when we are reunited eternally. 

Hope. That's what Advent is all about, right? Trying my hardest to have hope this season. To go with Mary as she whispers to me "follow me to the crib this time, not the cross." One week until we celebrate Christmas, one month until our baby is born. Holding onto hope even in what feels like we are trapped in the arena. 

"The one who calls you is faithful and He will also accomplish it." 1 Thessalonians 5:24

"The Lord Himself will fight for you, you have only to be still." Exodus 14:14

"Behold, the virgin shall be with child and bear a son and they shall name him Emmanuel, which means "God is with us." Matthew 1:23

In Honor of Our Lady of Gaudalope

Happy Feast of Our Lady of Guadalupe! In honor of her Im going to share one of my favorite things to make-homemade flour tortillas!

Over a year ago I went to stay a few days with a friend in North Dakota. She is an excellent cook and you can read all about her recipes on her blog here. While we were visiting we made corn tortillas from scratch! Then we made flour tortillas! They were the best things I've ever tasted so naturally I came home from the trip wanting to incorporate them into our weekly meals.

I tend to make only flour and this is the recipe I use: Chef John's Flour Tortillas. They cost next to nothing to make and have only a few ingredients in them. I have found that buying vegetable shortening from Aldi is the cheapest.

First you roll them

Then you flatten them

Then let them cook!

I would defiantly recommend getting a tortilla press. I think it cost me $20 from amazon and its way easier than rolling them out yourself and trying to cut them into circles (though my North Dakota friend doesn't have a press and she doesn't mind the extra steps). 

We eat them with chicken (shredded in the crockpot with salsa-so easy!), eggs, beef, veggies, just about anything. And for dessert you can put sugar and cinnamon on them and yum!

This is my go-to recipe for a meatless meal that is really cheap. Tortillas with scrambled eggs with cheese and everyone is happy and filled up. 

Happy Feast Day-Our Lady of Guadalupe, Pray for Us!!

All 3 of them

Love this picture from our maternity/family photo session this past weekend. All three of my babies!