Almost exactly one month ago I wrote this post about God and finances. We were on the tail end of a great few weeks where God had been coming through for us in very obvious ways. And it all looked like prosperity with more money in our pockets. In the last 4 weeks we seem to have entered into a new season financially-one of brokenness. In no particular order here is what has occurred in the last 4 weeks since that post I wrote:
-Nathan's car is still broke. We know for sure its not the battery (which we hoped bc it would be cheapest to replace) which leads us to believe its an electrical issue. It is in the shop as we speak and we are waiting to get an estimate.
-My tooth broke. A random side effect of pregnancy for me is that my teeth just break off. Out of pocket we had to pay $1000 to fix it. This came two weeks after just paying off the bill from my dental work last May, which was to fix the original broke tooth from pregnancy #1 three years ago.
-Our garage door stopped working. We can still manually open and close so we are kicking that down the road because its not urgent right now.(although being 8 months pregnant and getting out in the cold to open and close garage is starting to feel urgent!)
-Our stove broke. Cost $500 for new one. Then cost $200 for plumber to come out and re-install a gas line to get it up to code so the stove could be safely installed.
-My phone broke. It still works for everything EXCEPT calling! Taking it in this weekend.
-Last night on the way to take the phone in our furnace stopped working. Cost $350 for a repair man to come out on a Friday night and replace the motor.
So yeah, we are feeling a little worn down from the past 4 weeks. I wanted to write this and put the actual costs of things in here because I want to be real. We proclaim that we trust God with our money. But that doesn't always look like things never happening or us having a ton of money for savings. In fact it often looks like what the last 4 weeks have-things happening and us having to be detached from our money, our plans of how we would like to spend it. In prayer God has been telling Nathan over these last weeks "Do not be afraid to use what I have given you." While that sounds nice, in reality its been painful. We have watched as Nathan's long awaited for "extra" paycheck in the month of October went to pay these bills. We had been planning on putting that paycheck in savings. Now we are watching what little we have in savings go down, down, down as we pay off the rest of the bills. Not to mention my inward panic of the holidays coming up and a new baby being here (diapers!) in just 8 weeks.
But when things like these happen I'm always remind that my money is not my own. Its simply on loan from God and we are entrusted with it to be good stewards. We make an intentional point to always make sure money is our servant, not the other way around. And I must say-its been a great servant these last 4 weeks. Everything has gotten fixed in a timely manner. I've been able to see God working through the men and women who have come to our rescue and fixed all our broken things. More importantly we have not lost our peace. God is still in control even though it may not feel like it. I don't like having to spend money on these things, but that's life. Jesus said "In the world you will have trouble, fear not I have overcome the world." I'm learning that following Christ does not mean bad things won't happen but that He will be there when they do and He will give you His peace.
Right now I'm going to continue to trust God even though that scares me to see our savings go so low. And maybe you are thinking "well at least you have savings! We would be out of luck if these things happened." My answer-God would still come through. Yes, we have savings, but its not a lot. It certainly isn't the "6 months of living expenses" set aside for a rainy day that the world tells you to have. We don't have college funds set aside for our kids. We mostly live week to week, month to month on a strict budget and then we watch God show up. I firmly believe that if you want Him to show up in your finances then you have to give Him room to show up. I could take control of things myself, go back to work in an attempt to bring in more money. But God isn't calling us to that. He is calling me to stay home and raise my children. By being obedient in that I give Him room to show up since we only have one income.
Throughout these weeks I've been encouraged in a few ways. First I have seen God providing for two of my close friends. They live by giving all their finances over to God. The first friend had a check from an anonymous person show up this week. The money will cover all her extra monthly expenses that had piled up. It literally just SHOWED UP thanks to someone else in the Body of Christ who felt moved to give her money (see-it didn't come from her savings!). I have another friend who is diligently trying to buy a house. Her and her husband have lived in a tiny 2 bedroom apartment for the entire 3 years of their marriage. They also have two small children and have had to make sacrifices in their living situation in order for her to stay home. This week they found another government program that will help them put money towards a down payment on a house (not coming form savings!) Hearing their news and knowing that God is helping them encouraged me.
One last thing that encouraged me-God sent us bread. Last week Nathan came home from work with two loaves of our favorite kind of bread-the expensive kind that we only buy when its on sale. He said someone brought it to work and didn't want it so he took it home. And I cried. Because it was a small gesture but I felt God saying "see, I'm even giving you your daily bread. Don't worry!" And He is and He does and He will continue to. Day by day is how we are called to live and day by day God will come through.
I want to end by continuing to encourage others who are struggling financially. I want to show you that we get it. Its real for us too. Each month when I do our budget on paper I'm not sure how its all going to come together, but each month it does. Give God room to work, to show up. We had a season where He was giving us things and now we are in a season when He is asking us to give away our money, possibly even use up all of our savings. We will continue to do what He ask because in the end, Jesus is what we are living for. Praying for those out there with financial burdens. May you feel the peace of God even in the midst of financial difficulties.
Sunday, November 23, 2014
Tuesday, November 18, 2014
The trickiest trimester
Well we are here-the 3rd trimester. I'm feeling the extra weight both literally and emotionally. Most women start getting excited by this point. For me I just start getting crazy. The anxiety ramps up and the appointments are often. The hardest part for me during this time is the decision making. One of the things that goes first when grief hits is my ability to make decisions. Since doctors never found a reason why Caleb died, they mostly put it on our shoulders as to how we proceed with each pregnancy. Decisions about when to start non-stress tests, bio-physical profiles and then the big one-when to induce-run though my head. I feel exhausted just thinking about the decisions knowing each one could be the wrong one for this particular baby.
Another hard part with this trimester is how visibility pregnant I am. Complete strangers everywhere we go want to talk about my pregnancy. That has the potential to bring up a lot and it takes a lot out of me to be invested in each conversation. I'm just not a normal pregnant person so it feels hard and awkward to be asked normal questions that I can't answer.
So with all of these things swirling around we've really started pulling back from all unnecessary things. We decided not to go to Nate's work Christmas party. Any social functions for myself will most likely be put off until after baby. We're just trying to store up what little energy we have in order to make it through the next few weeks. It's defiantly a season of "no" which makes me sad because there are so many fun things this time of year, but I know its for the best. My anxiety go up, up and up when I'm in crowds and can't feel the baby moving. Its best to just stay home and rest up!
I'm also trying to surround myself with a good support network of fellow bereaved moms. They seem to understand how hard right now is without me having to explain. I'm also back to seeing my counselor once every two weeks. It will probably be once a week toward the end. And last but not least I'm forcing myself to buy one item of comfort food each week at the grocery store. I did feel guilty about that for a while but like my counselor explained " you can either lean on food for this short period of time and use it to calm you and comfort you or you could have more anxiety and need to take medication." So comfort food is working right now and we'll stick with it.
The beautiful thing about this pregnancy, just so you don't think its all doom and gloom, has been God's healing throughout it. This past weekend a friend asked me if Abigail's pregnancy had been healing. I responded without having to think- "no!" Holding a live baby in my arms was so healing, but her actually pregnancy was way worse than Caleb's. So much worry, stress, and emotions. This pregnancy has in many ways begun to heal me from the trauma of Abigail's pregnancy, if that makes any sense.
Carrying another boy has brought with it an array of emotions that I have had to work through. At first I resented that but once I leaned into it I saw how God wanted to use it to heal my heart even more. I still don't have words to explain it but I do know I'm in awe of how God can keep His promises. There were so many times that I begged for healing after Caleb died and it never came. But now, 3, almost 4 years later, its coming. Certain things that I had forgotten about God is bringing to the surface and redeeming them. It gives me more zeal to help couples continue to be open to life after loss. I meet so many people who, because of loss, decide to sterilize themselves or their partners out of fear of another loss. I think constantly about the conscious choice we made to try to get pregnant this time. If we had remained in fear and just stayed comfortable with our one live kid, we would have missed out on so much the Lord wanted to do.
One last thing that has been overwhelming as a sign of God's faithfulness and love has been the name of this baby. We have chosen to name him Judah Thomas. In the old testament this is the verse that describes what the name Judah means:
"And once again she conceived and bore a son. "This time," she said, "I will give grateful praise to the Lord", and therefore she named him Judah."
The name Judah literally means praise and thanksgiving. I heard a sermon once on "how to get through hard times." In it the speaker mentioned that in ancient Israel whenever the twelve tribes would go up to fight a battle they would send the tribe of Judah first. He said they did this because of the meaning behind Judah's name-praise and thanksgiving-and that through praise and thanksgiving of God was the only way to overcome hard times. I remember thinking if we ever have another boy I want to name him Judah.
His name of praise and thanksgiving has been my anchor this pregnancy. Whenever the fears, doubts, and struggles come I just keep thinking "praise and thanksgiving." As we get to know this baby more God continues to reveal more about this him. Another thing is that in the old testament Judah was the 4th son and should not have gotten the birthright. But things happened and long story short-he did receive the birthright and eventually Christ came through his line. Our Judah should not receive the benefits of a first born son, but he will. Caleb should be passing on the family name but it will be Judah who passes it on. Its amazing to see a name be chosen and then God continue to affirm that name. We went with Thomas because of doubting Thomas the apostle and my love for him. You can read about that more here. My hope and prayer for Judah Thomas is that his doubts will always lead him to encounter the Risen Christ, just like St. Thomas.
So while this third trimester is trying, its not without grace. Please pray with us and for us as we wait out these final 9 weeks until his delivery. St. Jude and St. Thomas-pray for us!
Another hard part with this trimester is how visibility pregnant I am. Complete strangers everywhere we go want to talk about my pregnancy. That has the potential to bring up a lot and it takes a lot out of me to be invested in each conversation. I'm just not a normal pregnant person so it feels hard and awkward to be asked normal questions that I can't answer.
So with all of these things swirling around we've really started pulling back from all unnecessary things. We decided not to go to Nate's work Christmas party. Any social functions for myself will most likely be put off until after baby. We're just trying to store up what little energy we have in order to make it through the next few weeks. It's defiantly a season of "no" which makes me sad because there are so many fun things this time of year, but I know its for the best. My anxiety go up, up and up when I'm in crowds and can't feel the baby moving. Its best to just stay home and rest up!
I'm also trying to surround myself with a good support network of fellow bereaved moms. They seem to understand how hard right now is without me having to explain. I'm also back to seeing my counselor once every two weeks. It will probably be once a week toward the end. And last but not least I'm forcing myself to buy one item of comfort food each week at the grocery store. I did feel guilty about that for a while but like my counselor explained " you can either lean on food for this short period of time and use it to calm you and comfort you or you could have more anxiety and need to take medication." So comfort food is working right now and we'll stick with it.
The beautiful thing about this pregnancy, just so you don't think its all doom and gloom, has been God's healing throughout it. This past weekend a friend asked me if Abigail's pregnancy had been healing. I responded without having to think- "no!" Holding a live baby in my arms was so healing, but her actually pregnancy was way worse than Caleb's. So much worry, stress, and emotions. This pregnancy has in many ways begun to heal me from the trauma of Abigail's pregnancy, if that makes any sense.
Carrying another boy has brought with it an array of emotions that I have had to work through. At first I resented that but once I leaned into it I saw how God wanted to use it to heal my heart even more. I still don't have words to explain it but I do know I'm in awe of how God can keep His promises. There were so many times that I begged for healing after Caleb died and it never came. But now, 3, almost 4 years later, its coming. Certain things that I had forgotten about God is bringing to the surface and redeeming them. It gives me more zeal to help couples continue to be open to life after loss. I meet so many people who, because of loss, decide to sterilize themselves or their partners out of fear of another loss. I think constantly about the conscious choice we made to try to get pregnant this time. If we had remained in fear and just stayed comfortable with our one live kid, we would have missed out on so much the Lord wanted to do.
One last thing that has been overwhelming as a sign of God's faithfulness and love has been the name of this baby. We have chosen to name him Judah Thomas. In the old testament this is the verse that describes what the name Judah means:
"And once again she conceived and bore a son. "This time," she said, "I will give grateful praise to the Lord", and therefore she named him Judah."
The name Judah literally means praise and thanksgiving. I heard a sermon once on "how to get through hard times." In it the speaker mentioned that in ancient Israel whenever the twelve tribes would go up to fight a battle they would send the tribe of Judah first. He said they did this because of the meaning behind Judah's name-praise and thanksgiving-and that through praise and thanksgiving of God was the only way to overcome hard times. I remember thinking if we ever have another boy I want to name him Judah.
His name of praise and thanksgiving has been my anchor this pregnancy. Whenever the fears, doubts, and struggles come I just keep thinking "praise and thanksgiving." As we get to know this baby more God continues to reveal more about this him. Another thing is that in the old testament Judah was the 4th son and should not have gotten the birthright. But things happened and long story short-he did receive the birthright and eventually Christ came through his line. Our Judah should not receive the benefits of a first born son, but he will. Caleb should be passing on the family name but it will be Judah who passes it on. Its amazing to see a name be chosen and then God continue to affirm that name. We went with Thomas because of doubting Thomas the apostle and my love for him. You can read about that more here. My hope and prayer for Judah Thomas is that his doubts will always lead him to encounter the Risen Christ, just like St. Thomas.
So while this third trimester is trying, its not without grace. Please pray with us and for us as we wait out these final 9 weeks until his delivery. St. Jude and St. Thomas-pray for us!
29 weeks!
Wednesday, November 5, 2014
My admiration for the Medical Profession
This week has been a crazy ride of ups and downs. On Halloween my tooth broke off and I spent two hours at the dentist office getting it fixed. I have this nice side effect of pregnancy that includes my teeth literally breaking off during pregnancy. Now I will have one crown in my mouth to remind me of Caleb's pregnancy and another for this new baby.
Then today I spent an hour at my OB office hooked up to the Non Stress Test monitor because I was worried about Braxton Hicks Contractions. Everything was fine and we even got to do a sono and see baby's sweet face.
All of this has gotten me thinking about how much my view the Medical Profession has changed over the past 3 years. When we were pregnant with Caleb we took the 13 week Bradley Birthing Classes. While these were helpful, looking back I feel like they also cast an undertone of this view that "doctors are out to get you." Add that to the many documentaries, such as The Business of Being Born, that we watched during that time and I can honestly say that I thought I knew better than the medical profession. I was informed! I had studied and read up on natural labor and childbirth and I was going to fight my hardest against any interventions. But then my baby died while still inside of me and I was so lost and so broken.
All of a sudden the medical professionals around me scooped me up and carried me through the hardest thing I'll ever do-deliver a stillborn baby. They took care of all my pain and were gentle with me, cried with me, and made a terrible situation a little less terrible. Over the last 3 years since Caleb's death I can honestly say that through the doctors, midwives, nurses, specialists, counselors, and dentists, I have slowly healed from the brokenness that became me after Caleb's death. I feel like I went from one extreme where I did not trust them to this other place where I don't trust myself at all or my intuition.
That's where I was today and this week-not trusting my body or my intuition about what is right or wrong. Its a very humbling, small place to be where you are scared and fragile and uncertain. Instead of trying to do things on my own or even just trying to "pray through it," I called up my dentist the minute my tooth broke and got right it. Today I could have spent all day worrying about the baby but instead I thought "Im not in this alone, just call the doctor and go in." And so I did and the weight they lifted from my shoulders is so real. I truly feel God speaking to me through the medical professionals around me. The way my dentist promised me that I would not feel any pain for the 2 hours he was drilling. The way the nurses and doctors at my OB office got me in right away and never once acted like I was being extreme.
After Caleb died I begged for healing. I heard stories of people being healed instantly from physical ailments. I wanted that, I wanted instant healing. But it never came. It never came emotionaly, it never came physically. But instead the healing came through seeing my counselor, through visiting 3 different dentist to finally find one who believed me and fixed my problems, through my doctors and specialist who say over and over again "we are in this together, we will get this baby out alive."
Today I am praising God for medical professionals and the healing they bring. Sure, God can and does heal people through miracles all the time. But in my life Ive seen much more healing come through someone else in the medical field. I have such a high admiration for these people who selflessly give over and over all in an effort to take people's pain away. Isn't that such a beautiful witness to the character of God? Feeling fortunate to live in America where the medical technology and services are exceptional. Thank you Jesus for the gift of medicine and for teaching me that I cannot do this on my own.
Then today I spent an hour at my OB office hooked up to the Non Stress Test monitor because I was worried about Braxton Hicks Contractions. Everything was fine and we even got to do a sono and see baby's sweet face.
All of this has gotten me thinking about how much my view the Medical Profession has changed over the past 3 years. When we were pregnant with Caleb we took the 13 week Bradley Birthing Classes. While these were helpful, looking back I feel like they also cast an undertone of this view that "doctors are out to get you." Add that to the many documentaries, such as The Business of Being Born, that we watched during that time and I can honestly say that I thought I knew better than the medical profession. I was informed! I had studied and read up on natural labor and childbirth and I was going to fight my hardest against any interventions. But then my baby died while still inside of me and I was so lost and so broken.
All of a sudden the medical professionals around me scooped me up and carried me through the hardest thing I'll ever do-deliver a stillborn baby. They took care of all my pain and were gentle with me, cried with me, and made a terrible situation a little less terrible. Over the last 3 years since Caleb's death I can honestly say that through the doctors, midwives, nurses, specialists, counselors, and dentists, I have slowly healed from the brokenness that became me after Caleb's death. I feel like I went from one extreme where I did not trust them to this other place where I don't trust myself at all or my intuition.
That's where I was today and this week-not trusting my body or my intuition about what is right or wrong. Its a very humbling, small place to be where you are scared and fragile and uncertain. Instead of trying to do things on my own or even just trying to "pray through it," I called up my dentist the minute my tooth broke and got right it. Today I could have spent all day worrying about the baby but instead I thought "Im not in this alone, just call the doctor and go in." And so I did and the weight they lifted from my shoulders is so real. I truly feel God speaking to me through the medical professionals around me. The way my dentist promised me that I would not feel any pain for the 2 hours he was drilling. The way the nurses and doctors at my OB office got me in right away and never once acted like I was being extreme.
After Caleb died I begged for healing. I heard stories of people being healed instantly from physical ailments. I wanted that, I wanted instant healing. But it never came. It never came emotionaly, it never came physically. But instead the healing came through seeing my counselor, through visiting 3 different dentist to finally find one who believed me and fixed my problems, through my doctors and specialist who say over and over again "we are in this together, we will get this baby out alive."
Today I am praising God for medical professionals and the healing they bring. Sure, God can and does heal people through miracles all the time. But in my life Ive seen much more healing come through someone else in the medical field. I have such a high admiration for these people who selflessly give over and over all in an effort to take people's pain away. Isn't that such a beautiful witness to the character of God? Feeling fortunate to live in America where the medical technology and services are exceptional. Thank you Jesus for the gift of medicine and for teaching me that I cannot do this on my own.
Saturday, October 25, 2014
Giving your finances to God
I often feel like we have an unfair advantage when it comes to trusting God with our finances. After spending two years doing missionary work with a group call FOCUS, Nathan and I had first hand experience at seeing God come through. As missionaries we raised 100% of our salary, which came from donors. The entire two years taught me so much about the power of asking for help, praying specifically for my finances, and the obvious-seeing God come through.
I remember one instance where I was going to be $500 dollars short that month. I went to the chapel to pray specifically for the $500. A few days later I got a check in the mail for exactly $500 from a donor who I had contacted about 6 months prior. At the time she had been unable to donate because she was without employment. Little did I know that she had promised God that once she found work she would give a certain percentage of her first paycheck to me in thanksgiving for God finding her a job. Well that job came for her at the exact time I needed my $500. After that I really started trusting God with finances and in the two years of missionary work Nathan and I could tell you dozens of stories like the one above.
Then we got married and were unemployed. We lived week by week and kept trusting that God would provided. Except, it didn't look how I would have wanted it (a nice 8-5 job with benefits) but instead looked like a bunch of little jobs that came out of no where. We lived like that for the first 6 months of our marriage and while it was tough, there was also a freedom in it because we had no other choice but to trust God. Again we saw checks being sent to us from refunds from over a year ago, people giving us gift cards, etc. One day after the next God came through.
Fast forward to now where we are living on one income. At times I think what is harder than trusting God with our finances is giving Him control of them. When you have a steady paycheck coming in every two weeks it gets hard to imagine how God could work within that, because its such a "set" number. Even though we have steady income, we live on a tight two week, cash only, system. When the cash is gone, we wait until payday to get more.
With the new baby coming we have been doing some big projects around our house like new carpet, paint, etc. In August when we began these renovations I sat down to look at the budget and thought "no way can we afford this." I just couldn't see on paper how it was going to work out. So we began slowly and bought things little by little every two weeks. Interiorly, I was struggling with "should I get a part time job?" Its such a temptation for me to go back to work. I came from a working family with a working mom and I'm the only SAHM in my family. I feel constantly lazy because I don't work. But then I know that this is what Nate and I have decided is best for our family. So in my mind the thoughts of "you should be working, you should be bringing in something to pay for all these renovations" rang constantly. Then finally after taking it to prayer for a few weeks it went away. I started to have peace about just giving our finances over to God and letting Him show me how He would come through.
Let me tell you:
We had budgeted $120 for new light fixtures------went to the store and found them on mega clearance and got all 6 for just $36.00!
We had budgeted $150 for a new ceiling fan-----again another mega sale and we got one for $59.99!
I had secretly been wanting a combi double stroller to go with our combi car seat. But they are so expensive and I knew we just couldn't swing a new one. And a used one is next to impossible to find. But, this past weekend I found one on varagesale for half the price of a new one.
Nathan's car is in need of a new battery. Sometimes it starts, sometimes it doesn't. We keep pushing it down the road because we didn't have the money for it this month, which meant I took him to work many mornings! I went to our neighborhood social Tuesday night and guess who won the door prize? ME! And the prize was a gift card to auto zone where we buy our car batteries.
Yesterday I sat down to look at our grocery money for the week and plan meals. Since we had spent so much this two weeks on renovations it had left us with $10 for groceries. The good news was we were pretty stocked up in our freezer. The bad news was Nate's family was coming in Sunday for lunch and I wanted to feed them a nice meal. I began planning and going through the cupboards to see what we had and what I could come up with. I told Nate we were going to have a "scrounge" week since we only had $10. Then I went to take Abigail for a walk and out of the stroller fell a thank you card from a friend. She had given it to me last week at the park but I had forgotten about it. In it she thanked me for the clothes I gave her (Abigail's old ones) for her new baby. Out fell a $20 Hyvee gift card! So now our grocery budget for the week is $30 and I can easily provide the meal for my in laws.
So yawn, yawn, why am I telling you all this? Because I want you to not just trust God with your finances, but give them over to Him. Here's the thing-Nathan and I are in no way struggling in your typical sense when it comes to finances. No, we can't afford vacations right now and we can't just go buy things whenever we want them. We are not starving by any means, but we do have goals-make a loving, safe home for our family; send Nate to grad school without taking out any loans;me stay home with our kids. And God still cares enough to give us light fixtures and double strollers. He cares about the details. I've had so much fun waiting on the Lord to see where He will provide next. Its almost like this crazy game where I try to imagine how He will come through, but then its always so random (winning the door prize!) that I can't believe it. Every month on paper our finances don't make sense and every month God comes through in the small and little things. And every month we let Him, we don't go out and panic and get more jobs. Instead we just bring our needs to Him.
After 5 years of marriage on a budget I would say that my list of how to do it would go like this:
1. Cash only
2. Eat less meat
3. Plan means according to only what is on sale
4. Give it all to God and watch Him come through
God wants to come through and provide for us but we have to let control go. Challenge Him, try relying on Him for your finances for a week, or a month. Go to Him first when you see you will need something. Be specific. Tithe. We never hold back tithing no matter how tight it is because the money is not ours in the first place. Giving it away always makes me less attached to it, even though it hurts some months.
What I desperately don't want readers out there to do is to roll their eyes at this post. "Sure, thats fine for you to trust Him with your light fixtures, but we have series debt, medical bills, etc." Please, if He can come through for us in the details and the small things, He can come through for you in the big things and He wants to. Trust me, I've been there when I've had more bills than money coming in for the month and God always came through. Give Him the stress of your financial situation. And wait for Him to come through, which is often the hard part.
Another thing I want to mention is our discernment to allow our parents on both sides to help us financially. My husband wrestled with it early on because he felt that as the man of the house he should be the sole provider and taking "hand outs" from our parents just felt juvenile or irresponsible. He took this to prayer and what God told him was "How can you accept things from your Heavenly Father if you will not accept things from your Earthly Father?" Ever since then we have humbly allowed our parents to help us financially. Its typically with big things-my grandpa left us a down payment for a house when he passed away. My parents gave us new hardwood floors as a house warming gift. Nathan's dad has lent us money for his grad school until we got reimbursed. Recently my parents gave us money to put with ours for a down payment on a new van. Its humbling because I would like to say we did this all on our own-but we haven't. The truth is that our culture tries to make us all so independent and that's just not How God works. The Trinity is not independent from one another, but a communion of self giving and receiving love. We are made in that image and so its only natural to rely on our family. We hope that because of their generosity we can one day do the same for our children.
So thats my story. God is showing me He cares, He can come through. How have you seen God provide for you? I'd love to hear stories!
I remember one instance where I was going to be $500 dollars short that month. I went to the chapel to pray specifically for the $500. A few days later I got a check in the mail for exactly $500 from a donor who I had contacted about 6 months prior. At the time she had been unable to donate because she was without employment. Little did I know that she had promised God that once she found work she would give a certain percentage of her first paycheck to me in thanksgiving for God finding her a job. Well that job came for her at the exact time I needed my $500. After that I really started trusting God with finances and in the two years of missionary work Nathan and I could tell you dozens of stories like the one above.
Then we got married and were unemployed. We lived week by week and kept trusting that God would provided. Except, it didn't look how I would have wanted it (a nice 8-5 job with benefits) but instead looked like a bunch of little jobs that came out of no where. We lived like that for the first 6 months of our marriage and while it was tough, there was also a freedom in it because we had no other choice but to trust God. Again we saw checks being sent to us from refunds from over a year ago, people giving us gift cards, etc. One day after the next God came through.
Fast forward to now where we are living on one income. At times I think what is harder than trusting God with our finances is giving Him control of them. When you have a steady paycheck coming in every two weeks it gets hard to imagine how God could work within that, because its such a "set" number. Even though we have steady income, we live on a tight two week, cash only, system. When the cash is gone, we wait until payday to get more.
With the new baby coming we have been doing some big projects around our house like new carpet, paint, etc. In August when we began these renovations I sat down to look at the budget and thought "no way can we afford this." I just couldn't see on paper how it was going to work out. So we began slowly and bought things little by little every two weeks. Interiorly, I was struggling with "should I get a part time job?" Its such a temptation for me to go back to work. I came from a working family with a working mom and I'm the only SAHM in my family. I feel constantly lazy because I don't work. But then I know that this is what Nate and I have decided is best for our family. So in my mind the thoughts of "you should be working, you should be bringing in something to pay for all these renovations" rang constantly. Then finally after taking it to prayer for a few weeks it went away. I started to have peace about just giving our finances over to God and letting Him show me how He would come through.
Let me tell you:
We had budgeted $120 for new light fixtures------went to the store and found them on mega clearance and got all 6 for just $36.00!
We had budgeted $150 for a new ceiling fan-----again another mega sale and we got one for $59.99!
I had secretly been wanting a combi double stroller to go with our combi car seat. But they are so expensive and I knew we just couldn't swing a new one. And a used one is next to impossible to find. But, this past weekend I found one on varagesale for half the price of a new one.
Nathan's car is in need of a new battery. Sometimes it starts, sometimes it doesn't. We keep pushing it down the road because we didn't have the money for it this month, which meant I took him to work many mornings! I went to our neighborhood social Tuesday night and guess who won the door prize? ME! And the prize was a gift card to auto zone where we buy our car batteries.
Yesterday I sat down to look at our grocery money for the week and plan meals. Since we had spent so much this two weeks on renovations it had left us with $10 for groceries. The good news was we were pretty stocked up in our freezer. The bad news was Nate's family was coming in Sunday for lunch and I wanted to feed them a nice meal. I began planning and going through the cupboards to see what we had and what I could come up with. I told Nate we were going to have a "scrounge" week since we only had $10. Then I went to take Abigail for a walk and out of the stroller fell a thank you card from a friend. She had given it to me last week at the park but I had forgotten about it. In it she thanked me for the clothes I gave her (Abigail's old ones) for her new baby. Out fell a $20 Hyvee gift card! So now our grocery budget for the week is $30 and I can easily provide the meal for my in laws.
So yawn, yawn, why am I telling you all this? Because I want you to not just trust God with your finances, but give them over to Him. Here's the thing-Nathan and I are in no way struggling in your typical sense when it comes to finances. No, we can't afford vacations right now and we can't just go buy things whenever we want them. We are not starving by any means, but we do have goals-make a loving, safe home for our family; send Nate to grad school without taking out any loans;me stay home with our kids. And God still cares enough to give us light fixtures and double strollers. He cares about the details. I've had so much fun waiting on the Lord to see where He will provide next. Its almost like this crazy game where I try to imagine how He will come through, but then its always so random (winning the door prize!) that I can't believe it. Every month on paper our finances don't make sense and every month God comes through in the small and little things. And every month we let Him, we don't go out and panic and get more jobs. Instead we just bring our needs to Him.
After 5 years of marriage on a budget I would say that my list of how to do it would go like this:
1. Cash only
2. Eat less meat
3. Plan means according to only what is on sale
4. Give it all to God and watch Him come through
God wants to come through and provide for us but we have to let control go. Challenge Him, try relying on Him for your finances for a week, or a month. Go to Him first when you see you will need something. Be specific. Tithe. We never hold back tithing no matter how tight it is because the money is not ours in the first place. Giving it away always makes me less attached to it, even though it hurts some months.
What I desperately don't want readers out there to do is to roll their eyes at this post. "Sure, thats fine for you to trust Him with your light fixtures, but we have series debt, medical bills, etc." Please, if He can come through for us in the details and the small things, He can come through for you in the big things and He wants to. Trust me, I've been there when I've had more bills than money coming in for the month and God always came through. Give Him the stress of your financial situation. And wait for Him to come through, which is often the hard part.
Another thing I want to mention is our discernment to allow our parents on both sides to help us financially. My husband wrestled with it early on because he felt that as the man of the house he should be the sole provider and taking "hand outs" from our parents just felt juvenile or irresponsible. He took this to prayer and what God told him was "How can you accept things from your Heavenly Father if you will not accept things from your Earthly Father?" Ever since then we have humbly allowed our parents to help us financially. Its typically with big things-my grandpa left us a down payment for a house when he passed away. My parents gave us new hardwood floors as a house warming gift. Nathan's dad has lent us money for his grad school until we got reimbursed. Recently my parents gave us money to put with ours for a down payment on a new van. Its humbling because I would like to say we did this all on our own-but we haven't. The truth is that our culture tries to make us all so independent and that's just not How God works. The Trinity is not independent from one another, but a communion of self giving and receiving love. We are made in that image and so its only natural to rely on our family. We hope that because of their generosity we can one day do the same for our children.
So thats my story. God is showing me He cares, He can come through. How have you seen God provide for you? I'd love to hear stories!
Monday, October 20, 2014
So long Halloween
I tried, I really did. As a family we often talk about walking the middle road in all things. So as Abigail gets older and is more aware of Halloween we began to try to find that middle road. We didn't want to be Catholics that rejected it all together. There are some aspects of Halloween I like (dressing up, candy). After losing Caleb and having all the joy sucked out of life, Im a firm believer that if there is joy and you can celebrate, then you should because life is just too short. So we were trying to find the good and toss out the bad sorta thing-dress up, but keep it nice and simple, not bloody or sleazy (and yes Im referring to our 2 year old-there are some costumes ever for her age that are awful).
I'll be honest and say I was really excited for this year's Halloween season. I'm 3+ years out from Caleb's death and holidays are finally returning to more joy than sadness. I was excited for Abigail to dress up and actually get excited. I was looking forward to her face as she collects her bag of candy. Simple joys, but so precious to me because I'm always aware that they could be gone in an instant. I knew we wanted to try out an event in the area at a local Wildlife park. I had heard that it was scary, but that if you came between certain times it was geared towards little kids.
So we went-and we painfully paid the $20 out of our small 2 week cash only budget to get into the event. Looking at the map I got excited-there were train rides, a s'mores station, story telling, hay rack rides and trick or treating stations. These are what memories are made of, right?
First stop-the train. Abigail was very excited to ride but once we got going the whole trail was filled with awful Halloween decorations. And really, I should have expected it but I think I was picturing more "Fall" decorations than Halloween. Fake people hanging from trees, people walking along the trails with fake blood, witches and devils everywhere. It was awful and the whole time I wanted to shield her eyes-because it was all so demonic and nothing "fun" about it. But I thought "maybe its just the train ride, on to better things!"
And so we went to the tick or treating stations. There were 12 and each one had a little themed station that you walked through after getting candy. I think 11 out of 12 were themed "cemeteries." As we walked through there were fake tombstones everywhere with phrases like "worm food now," or "Rest in Pieces." And at first I had to laugh, because the irony is that this event was located right by the cemetery Caleb's is buried in and we were actually planning to go visit him after this event. So fake cemeteries all leading up to the real one we would walk though at the end of the night.
As we went through more of the stations I got more and more mad. WHY is this how we decorate for Halloween? WHY is it acceptable to put phrases like "worm food," and "rest in pieces" as a decoration? Because its not some made up thing or joke-its the reality. Caleb's body is in pieces and is getting eaten by worms. I challenge any mom out there to stop and think about that happening to their child and try to still function. I hate it, I hate death. I don't need more reminders of what is actually happening to my baby. By station 4 we were done. We started just getting the candy and skipping the walk throughs. We left the whole event shortly after and the wave of grief it brought on was hard.
We made our way to the actual cemetery and it was like a breathe of fresh air. It was peaceful, calm, beautiful at sunset. A little hard because since the last time we visited, two more babies have been added to the group. But you know what the phrases on the tombstones in a real cemetery say? "Behold I make all things new," "Do not let your hearts be troubled, you have faith in God, have faith also in me." " Let the children come." Hopeful phrases that calmed my heart and reminded me that while my son's physical body is decomposing, his soul lives on, that death is not the end.
In conclusion-Halloween Im just done. There is no reasonable way I can teach my children about a hopeful death while participating in the scary death side of things. So for now we still plan to trick or treat each year and dress up, but no more events or secular things like that. How can I teach Abigail that cemeteries are not a place to be feared and that death has been conquered if I let her participate in this idea that death is "spooky?" The whole thing felt demonic and I wanted to run as far away from it as possible.
Alright, rant over. For me and my family we will be celebrating a Fall theme with the one night of trick or treating thrown in. I wonder how many others who have lost someone close struggle when they see the morbid Halloween decorations? And please stop with the skeletons-enough! They are the bones of a dead person, not some cute costume to dress your baby up in. Again, rant over.
I'll be honest and say I was really excited for this year's Halloween season. I'm 3+ years out from Caleb's death and holidays are finally returning to more joy than sadness. I was excited for Abigail to dress up and actually get excited. I was looking forward to her face as she collects her bag of candy. Simple joys, but so precious to me because I'm always aware that they could be gone in an instant. I knew we wanted to try out an event in the area at a local Wildlife park. I had heard that it was scary, but that if you came between certain times it was geared towards little kids.
So we went-and we painfully paid the $20 out of our small 2 week cash only budget to get into the event. Looking at the map I got excited-there were train rides, a s'mores station, story telling, hay rack rides and trick or treating stations. These are what memories are made of, right?
First stop-the train. Abigail was very excited to ride but once we got going the whole trail was filled with awful Halloween decorations. And really, I should have expected it but I think I was picturing more "Fall" decorations than Halloween. Fake people hanging from trees, people walking along the trails with fake blood, witches and devils everywhere. It was awful and the whole time I wanted to shield her eyes-because it was all so demonic and nothing "fun" about it. But I thought "maybe its just the train ride, on to better things!"
And so we went to the tick or treating stations. There were 12 and each one had a little themed station that you walked through after getting candy. I think 11 out of 12 were themed "cemeteries." As we walked through there were fake tombstones everywhere with phrases like "worm food now," or "Rest in Pieces." And at first I had to laugh, because the irony is that this event was located right by the cemetery Caleb's is buried in and we were actually planning to go visit him after this event. So fake cemeteries all leading up to the real one we would walk though at the end of the night.
As we went through more of the stations I got more and more mad. WHY is this how we decorate for Halloween? WHY is it acceptable to put phrases like "worm food," and "rest in pieces" as a decoration? Because its not some made up thing or joke-its the reality. Caleb's body is in pieces and is getting eaten by worms. I challenge any mom out there to stop and think about that happening to their child and try to still function. I hate it, I hate death. I don't need more reminders of what is actually happening to my baby. By station 4 we were done. We started just getting the candy and skipping the walk throughs. We left the whole event shortly after and the wave of grief it brought on was hard.
We made our way to the actual cemetery and it was like a breathe of fresh air. It was peaceful, calm, beautiful at sunset. A little hard because since the last time we visited, two more babies have been added to the group. But you know what the phrases on the tombstones in a real cemetery say? "Behold I make all things new," "Do not let your hearts be troubled, you have faith in God, have faith also in me." " Let the children come." Hopeful phrases that calmed my heart and reminded me that while my son's physical body is decomposing, his soul lives on, that death is not the end.
In conclusion-Halloween Im just done. There is no reasonable way I can teach my children about a hopeful death while participating in the scary death side of things. So for now we still plan to trick or treat each year and dress up, but no more events or secular things like that. How can I teach Abigail that cemeteries are not a place to be feared and that death has been conquered if I let her participate in this idea that death is "spooky?" The whole thing felt demonic and I wanted to run as far away from it as possible.
Alright, rant over. For me and my family we will be celebrating a Fall theme with the one night of trick or treating thrown in. I wonder how many others who have lost someone close struggle when they see the morbid Halloween decorations? And please stop with the skeletons-enough! They are the bones of a dead person, not some cute costume to dress your baby up in. Again, rant over.
Sunday, October 5, 2014
What a weekend!
This weekend Nathan and I led our pregnancy retreat for couples in Des Moines, Iowa. It was a special weekend because not only did we get to lead the retreat, we also did our first ever training session with the diocese so that they could lead the retreats in the future without us there. AND the best part of the whole weekend were our hosts that we stayed with for 2 nights. Maria and Mark (their blog here) generously opened their home to us and fed us delicious food all weekend. I met Maria when she first e-mailed me after her daughter's stillbirth. For over 2 years we have been e-mailing back and forth. Now, finally, we got to meet in person. It was one of those weekends where I got to step back and see God work, not only in our lives, but in the couples' lives that we ministered to. It was also great because anytime Nathan and I can evangelize together is energizing. It always reminds me of when we were on our FOCUS team together and brings back all those great memories.
So the weekend came and went, and now its Sunday night and I'm exhausted. This was our last "official" ministry event for probably the next year. We will hopefully be bringing home a baby in January, and Nathan finishes school next August. We feel God calling us to take a step back and work on some of the "behind the scenes" stuff for our ministry such as non-profit status, figuring out how to copyright our curriculum, and working on some local pregnancy loss materials. I'm a little sad to take a break, but I know it's needed. We have done a lot since last March - radio interviews, two retreats, speaking engagements, and newspaper and magazine articles. Looking back over the last few months, I can see how God's hand has been opening doors for us left and right. I had someone comment that "the Lord is really blessing your ministry." And my first thought was "He's not blessing it, He's desperate for it." Not that God can be desperate, but I think He is giving favor to Nathan and I for this ministry because His heart is breaking for all those hurting from pregnancy and infant loss. It's a terrifying vineyard to do ministry in, and one that I often want to run from. But I know God wants us here, and that keeps us going.
So, look for some updates on our blog - immaculatehope.org over the next few months. And please continue to pray for us and whatever God leads us to do next in this ministry. One last thing - we worked closely with Deacon Joel this weekend for the training. Him and his wife write at their blog, thepracticingcatholic.com. Check it out if you do not know about!
So the weekend came and went, and now its Sunday night and I'm exhausted. This was our last "official" ministry event for probably the next year. We will hopefully be bringing home a baby in January, and Nathan finishes school next August. We feel God calling us to take a step back and work on some of the "behind the scenes" stuff for our ministry such as non-profit status, figuring out how to copyright our curriculum, and working on some local pregnancy loss materials. I'm a little sad to take a break, but I know it's needed. We have done a lot since last March - radio interviews, two retreats, speaking engagements, and newspaper and magazine articles. Looking back over the last few months, I can see how God's hand has been opening doors for us left and right. I had someone comment that "the Lord is really blessing your ministry." And my first thought was "He's not blessing it, He's desperate for it." Not that God can be desperate, but I think He is giving favor to Nathan and I for this ministry because His heart is breaking for all those hurting from pregnancy and infant loss. It's a terrifying vineyard to do ministry in, and one that I often want to run from. But I know God wants us here, and that keeps us going.
So, look for some updates on our blog - immaculatehope.org over the next few months. And please continue to pray for us and whatever God leads us to do next in this ministry. One last thing - we worked closely with Deacon Joel this weekend for the training. Him and his wife write at their blog, thepracticingcatholic.com. Check it out if you do not know about!
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