This week has been a crazy ride of ups and downs. On Halloween my tooth broke off and I spent two hours at the dentist office getting it fixed. I have this nice side effect of pregnancy that includes my teeth literally breaking off during pregnancy. Now I will have one crown in my mouth to remind me of Caleb's pregnancy and another for this new baby.
Then today I spent an hour at my OB office hooked up to the Non Stress Test monitor because I was worried about Braxton Hicks Contractions. Everything was fine and we even got to do a sono and see baby's sweet face.
All of this has gotten me thinking about how much my view the Medical Profession has changed over the past 3 years. When we were pregnant with Caleb we took the 13 week Bradley Birthing Classes. While these were helpful, looking back I feel like they also cast an undertone of this view that "doctors are out to get you." Add that to the many documentaries, such as The Business of Being Born, that we watched during that time and I can honestly say that I thought I knew better than the medical profession. I was informed! I had studied and read up on natural labor and childbirth and I was going to fight my hardest against any interventions. But then my baby died while still inside of me and I was so lost and so broken.
All of a sudden the medical professionals around me scooped me up and carried me through the hardest thing I'll ever do-deliver a stillborn baby. They took care of all my pain and were gentle with me, cried with me, and made a terrible situation a little less terrible. Over the last 3 years since Caleb's death I can honestly say that through the doctors, midwives, nurses, specialists, counselors, and dentists, I have slowly healed from the brokenness that became me after Caleb's death. I feel like I went from one extreme where I did not trust them to this other place where I don't trust myself at all or my intuition.
That's where I was today and this week-not trusting my body or my intuition about what is right or wrong. Its a very humbling, small place to be where you are scared and fragile and uncertain. Instead of trying to do things on my own or even just trying to "pray through it," I called up my dentist the minute my tooth broke and got right it. Today I could have spent all day worrying about the baby but instead I thought "Im not in this alone, just call the doctor and go in." And so I did and the weight they lifted from my shoulders is so real. I truly feel God speaking to me through the medical professionals around me. The way my dentist promised me that I would not feel any pain for the 2 hours he was drilling. The way the nurses and doctors at my OB office got me in right away and never once acted like I was being extreme.
After Caleb died I begged for healing. I heard stories of people being healed instantly from physical ailments. I wanted that, I wanted instant healing. But it never came. It never came emotionaly, it never came physically. But instead the healing came through seeing my counselor, through visiting 3 different dentist to finally find one who believed me and fixed my problems, through my doctors and specialist who say over and over again "we are in this together, we will get this baby out alive."
Today I am praising God for medical professionals and the healing they bring. Sure, God can and does heal people through miracles all the time. But in my life Ive seen much more healing come through someone else in the medical field. I have such a high admiration for these people who selflessly give over and over all in an effort to take people's pain away. Isn't that such a beautiful witness to the character of God? Feeling fortunate to live in America where the medical technology and services are exceptional. Thank you Jesus for the gift of medicine and for teaching me that I cannot do this on my own.
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