Wednesday, January 7, 2015

A Father who keeps his promises

I read this post from fellow FOCUS missionary this morning and cried my eyes out. Not only was her story touching, but it touched my own heart and what God has been speaking to me in this pregnancy-and more importantly how I'm learning to actually believe His promises.

We are in the home stretch-nine more days to go. And while this pregnancy has been hard mentally, it has been no where near as hard as Abigail's was. I compare Abigail's pregnancy to running wild through the woods with my arm chopped off. This pregnancy feels more like a huge lead up to a championship game. I've practiced hard, been diligent, and for the most part have been able to handle the emotions that have come.

After we found out in September that it was another boy things got tougher. I didn't understand why God would put us through that right now? I mean sure I wanted a boy- eventually- but I thought giving me another girl would be a baby step towards dealing with all the baggage a boy would bring. But no, instead we were thrown head first into gearing up for another son. As I sat in prayer I heard God say,

"Together we will bring forth new life in the dead of winter,  and that's my promise for this pregnancy."

My first reaction was "God, you know I hate using "dead" as an adjective. Then without trying to remember, all of a sudden, a flood of emotions and memories came to the surface of what it felt like to lose my first baby boy in the heart of Spring. I was so bitter, so angry at the Spring time. The new life everywhere, the sun, the constant "alleluias" at mass throughout the entire long Easter season.  And as these painful memories came back my heart asked God,

"Lord,You remember that?"

"Of course I remember, I remember it all." was His response.

It was a wound that I myself had forgotten. Something I'd tucked away and moved on from. But here it was now and so I began sitting with it more and more in prayer. It's remained the constant promise from my Father this pregnancy:

"Together we will bring forth new life in the dead of winter."

I've prayed a lot about why it even matters if I believe in His promises. A few weeks ago during Advent I came to the conclusion that I was going to just try, just go all out and actually believe His promises and see if it changed anything. And it has. At night when I wake up panicked because I've fallen asleep for too long and the baby might be dead, I calmly repeat:

"Together we will bring forth new life in the dead of winter."

And it calms me and pulls me out of my anxiety and soon enough the baby moves and I thank God for another day, another hour with this little one. So yes, it has changed how I live presently but its also healed a deep wound. I can't explain enough or put into words what its like as a woman to bring forth death when you were made to bring forth life. That's the one thing that sets us apart from men, right? Our ability to grow and birth life. But my first experience was of bringing forth death, unnatural death in the beginning of Springtime. It's changed me forever, but through the Father's love and promises I'm seeing how it has not crippled me. I think I'll always spend the rest of my life pondering the effect Caleb's stillbirth had on my femininity and overall character as a woman. But we have a God that doesn't forget and like always He wants to redeem that feeling of failure I felt as I pushed Caleb's still body from me.

So today and for the next nine days I'm going to continue to live in His promise. I'm going to write this post and publish it and make it public even though it scares me because "what if I'm wrong!" I trust the Father and I know He does keep His promises.

"Remember your word to your servant by which you give me hope. This is my comfort in affliction, your promise that gives me life."Psalm 119:49-50

These two songs are what are getting me through. They are from the Church Bethel which is a non-denominational church in California. Nathan and I have been listening to their sermons weekly for about the last two years. Their preaching is great and their music is even better. Enjoy!

1 comment:

  1. Praying that you receive all that God has promised you.